Fallout

Posted Wednesday, November 25, 2009, 5:29 PM


My hair has always been unworkable. From as early as five years old, I can remember the struggles I had with being able to do anything with it.

For a start, it parts on the opposite side to most other people, which made it look lopsided. It was very thick and dark, which gave it no shape, and no control. It just did whatever it wanted, which was always the same thing - fluff up and sit like it was somehow separated from my scalp. Hairspray and gel don't work on my hair; thus far they have been unable to tame it. If it's cut too short, it spikes up, so it needs some amount of length at all times to look even remotely acceptable.

Whenever some new trendy haircut was in style, I'd go to the hairdresser's and ask for something resembling it. They'd immediately say "Sure! No problem!" and get to work. After five minutes they'd start to hesitate, and go "Hmmm..." until eventually they gave up. "Sorry, I can't really do what you want. But I tell you what, I can make you look like a dork for the rest of your life. How about that?"

End result, the exact same haircut I have always had, forever.

I started losing my hair when I was in my mid-20s. It was a slow, but incessant, loss, which wasn't really visible to others for a while, but by age 30 it was much more evident. I also started going grey at about the same time, and though I wish it had gone shock white instead, it remains patchy and haphazard.

So. Uncontrollable, lopsided, dorky, patchwork, potentially spikey and flyaway, and rapidly falling out. What a disaster.

The common approach to such situations is to shave it all off. But that would mean having to constantly keep it close cropped a lot more often than regular haircut frequency, which sounds far too much like hard work to me. And anyway, it would just spike at the earliest opportunity, which I hate. Plus, I suspect my head is a funny shape.

Genetically I have to blame my Granddad on my mother's side; I have the exact same pattern of hair loss that he did. Whereas my brother is not losing his hair at all, and has something resembling our Dad's curly frizz.

There's not much to do about it. It's not like I have enough vanity that I care about my appearance in any way. I'll just continue to slob along looking like a scruff, as always.

Still, it does suck.

4 Reasoned Responses:

Peter A said...

There's only one way to find out...

Buzzcut!!!

Srsly, what have you got to lose? If it grows back that quickly are you going anywhere swanky where people might notice before it gets to a re-desirable length? If it works you could always fix it up yourself in the comfort of your own home with some bought clippers. I know bloks wot do that. Me, I prefer the social contact and awkward conversation and lads mags of my local barber.

You might have an odd-shaped head. My lad does as premmies often do (a consequence of being on one side in neonates for so long, and current anti-SIDS practice) but he looks fine as a slaphead. PLUS you have less risk of having a white pate where your hair was given your darker complexion.

GuanoLad said...

I have had a close-cropped cut before. It was all right for a week, and it was all right about six weeks later, but in between it was horrible. So I had to choose which of those two looks I preferred, and as I am lazy I chose the one that needs a trim only every three months, instead of the one that needs it every weekend.

Dags said...

I always noted how attached you were to your caps, though I always thought you wore them to hide the grey.

So do you have those moments after spending an hour looking in the mirror saying "I can't do a thing with my hair"! :)

Unfortunately if you're invited to an event and don't want to go you can't use the excuse "I'm doing my hair that day" :)

Still I know where you're coming from because in my hey day I'd actually carry a portable hair brush in each of my jacket pockets (and still do today on some occasions). Though if it helps at all, we're friends with you because of who you are and the magic you can do with your hands, not whether you look like a cool dude or not.

GuanoLad said...

In fact I wear caps to protect my head from the elements; both newly unprotected skin shielded from the sun; and the uncontrollable fluff of hair kept from getting even messier in the wind. Not for hiding baldness, though that was a factor in the early days.

Now it's just become second nature for me to wear one whenever I'm out, so I'm rarely seen without one.

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