CSI is an insulting piece of crap

Posted Monday, May 12, 2008, 9:55 PM

Cop and Law shows on TV are generally pretty lame. Okay, they only have their 42 minute running time to tell the entire story, 23 times a year, every year, for all 25 different shows of this type that broadcast each year, so fair enough, sometimes they're going to write up a dud or two.

But by crikey, CSI, the unfeasibly popular forensics-based cop show, has got to be the worst of them all! I have thought from the very first time I saw it that it was patronising, stodgily written, poorly acted, with the lamest dialogue, and unnecessarily flashy visuals, but had hoped that as time went on, and all the sequels spun out in their interminable way, that it would get better - but no, they haven't improved a single jot. They're still complete shit.

Every episode they speak out loud whenever they think, saying screamingly obvious things like "Hmm, there may be blood on the broken glass. Hmm, if we look at it under the microscope, it may give us some clues. Hmm, let's look under this carpet. Hmm, there are fibres under their fingernails. Hmm, is that a hair I see on his jacket? Hmm, this footprint may be a clue." And then they flash to some overly elaborate 3D simulation showing how someone leaves footprints, as though we don't know how people step into dirt! Dude, we watch cop shows all the time, we know how it all works, stop being so goddamned patronising!

Then, to top it all off, they employ shaky zoomy camera techniques, fast editing, loud rock music, and flickery blinky grainy flashbacks, to make them seem cool, not realising it just looks like they're amateurish wastes of space who were brought up on crappy music videos and don't have an ounce of original editing talent in their bodies.

And I'm not even going to touch on that moron David Caruso.

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